OK...IS IT JUST ME?
I see the news some days and think what George Bailey was thinking in "It's a Wonderful Life; "Either you're off your nut or I am."
Look at some of these stories and see what YOU think! 

WHO IS TO DECIDE WHAT IS "ENOUGH"?

Obama-"I do think at a certain level, you've made ENOUGH money." OH, REALLY? SAYS WHO?
Did Warren Buffet make ENOUGH last year?  How about Alex Rodriguez?  You may think their salaries or profits are obscene but how can you say it's ENOUGH, OR WORSE TOO MUCH?  I might argue that I don't make enough...enough for what?  You...or me?  Is there going to be some big government PANEL to decide?  Lord knows we need ANOTHER government bureaucracy!!

MY PANCREAS...CAN I KEEP IT TILL I'M DONE WITH IT?
There's a bill in the NY Legislature to require New Yorkers to BE ORGAN DONORS?  REQUIRE?  You mean the STATE has the rights to MY internal organs?  I don't have ANYTHING against organ donation...I have designated MINE for donation but I DO have a problem with somebody saying WE WILL TAKE YOUR ORGANS.  What if I'm not done with 'em?  I may not be done with 'em for three or four years after I DIE...if that's MY CHOICE.  Back away from the scalpel.

YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER QUESTION
Survey says if you put ONE OF THESE on your desk, you'll get a raise by the next year.  What is it?
See the answer below:


AND THIS JUST IN...THE UNITED NATIONS SUCKS!

The UN sucks!  Just bulldoze the place right into the EAST RIVER. Can you think of ANYTHING good we've gotten from our BILLIONS OF DOLLARS paid to support that place?  The actions they take are decidedly UN-AMERICAN and generally in their OWN best interest.  It is corrupt to the core and LOVES dictators, despots and dirtbags.  Now there's  this...IRAN has been named to the Human Rights Commission on Status of Women!   Excuse me!  WOMEN?
The commission is supposed to support women and help them progress through the application of HUMAN AND SOCIAL RIGHTS.
IRAN...the country that FLOGS "immodest" women and announced JUST LAST WEEK, that women with suntans would be arrested and jailed?  THAT country?  Never mind the support of jihad and terror all over the world and their help in killing American service men and women...and their HIDING FROM THE UN their NUCLEAR WEAPON PROGRAM...never mind that...I'm talking the country that won't allow women to choose whom they want to marry and then won't let 'em divorce...that country... crank up the bulldozers...

A CUDDLY MAN IS JUST A SPRAY AWAY...
Scientists say they've developed a spray that makes men more affectionate and want to cuddle. 
Really?  It makes a man want to snuggle before and or after the GOOD STUFF?  Really?  It makes him want to share his innermost feelings and actually LISTEN to yours? REALLY?  A NASAL SPRAY?  HOW do you suggest a woman break THAT to her NON-CUDDLY MAN?  Here, honey, shove this up your nose...there...
The only way I can see THIS working is if it smell like beer and nachos and you spray it on HER?


AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAVE US MONEY?  THERE'S YOUR BUREAUCRACY!
Oh, you know that Deficit Commission I talked about the other day...they're supposed to figure out ways to LOWER the deficit?  There are 18 members, they've been meeting for 4 DAYS and already wracked up A HALF MILLION DOLLARS in expenses!!!  Sounds TO ME like the meter is running BACKWARDS...and not in OUR FAVOR!

YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER ANSWER
If you put a bowl of CANDY on your desk, survey says you're likely to  get a RAISE.
Of course you'll have to deal with all the lardos coming by to gobble your sweets but, hey, it may be worth it.

That's it.
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HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR SEAFOOD DONE?

The Gulf is on FIRE.  The oils spill in the Gulf of Mexico just gets worse.  Kinda hard to argue for drilling there now, huh?  Another leak has been discovered and in order to contain the damage, the crude has been set ablaze.   Efforts to stop the flow could take days or weeks, so let's hope THIS solution works...at least a little bit.

MAY DAY, MAY DAY, MAY DAY

This may be your city on May Day celebrations.  Groups supporting immigration reform are promising HUGE turnouts for May Day...don't know about Cinco de Mayo...we'll see how THAT goes.
Meanwhile threats of boycotts of everything Arizona are flying and counter threats are flying back.  San Francisco is threatening to boycott Arizona. Arizona is threatening to boycott San Fran...and Mexico is telling it's citizens to "avoid Arizona."  Well if they'd done THAT in the first place...

WHAT'S THAT ON MARS?  A GORILLA....PLANET OF THE APES?
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2875287/Gorilla-seen-in-Nasa-snap-from-Mars.html
Gotta see this story...the Mars rover taking pictures of the Martian landscape captured an image of SOMETHING that does appear to be a gorilla-looking figure peering over the landscape.  See it for yourself.  Could be PLANET OF THE APES?

SOME LIFE ON MARS

This looks more like an infected wound than a planet but it's an image of Mars.  The rover also found LIFE that it likens to POND SCUM.
My guess is, they have located the Martian capitol...I know in OUR capitol there seems to be a lot of that, too!!
 
YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER
Invented on this date in 1913, it did not get a name till 1930 and did not get popular till the French got hold of it. What is it?  You'll find the answer below.

OK...WHO DID THE MAKEOVER ON THAT ONE?  MICHAELANGELO OR BOB VILA?
Look at this picture...would you EVER guess who it is?

WELL...it's NANCY PELOSI...YEAH...me too.  THAT took a lot of artistry, huh, to come up with THAT look.  I mean, really...she's had a mini lift, botox and fat injections but COME ON...what is this magazine trying to do? 
THAT FROM THIS:

YEP, that's a makeover of biblical proportions.

OK...MAYBE DAD IS RIGHT
Lindsey Lohan's dad is a nut job, himself but he may be right about his daughter needing an intervention.  This is a photo Lindsey posted on her twitter page:

Yeah, better send in the counselors before you have to send in the SWAT TEAM...

YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER
That popular item invented this day in 1913 but not named for 17 years...the ZIPPER.
Though B.F. Goodrich used it on some items, like tobacco pouches, the ZIPPER, at they named it did not become popular till the French used it to create the FLY on men's trousers.  Those FRENCH think of everything...

THAT'S IT
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

FOOLS ON THE HILL

Didja see the pectacle on Capitol Hill yesterday?  All those self righteous Senators lecturing the Goldman Sachs execs on ETHICS.  See what they did was not necessarily ILLEGAL...pretty dog gone UNETHICAL but...
My question is...who are these SENATORS to grill somebody, ANYBODY else on ETHCIS...AND who gets to grill THOSE GUYS ON THEIR ETHICS?
Wouldn't you like to see that?  Chris Dodd, Barey Frank, just hammered using the same self righteous, self important, self aggrandizing, five-part questions that aren't even questions?  Wouldn't you like
to see THEM squirm and stutter and find them selves at a loss for words?  I would. 

AND IF YOU WANN A TALK QUESTIONABLE...
Oh, and while the Goldman hearings were being put into place, Senator Chuck Shumer hosts a FUNDRAISER FOR HARRY REID... with whom?  WALL STREET BANKERS...
   Pray HARD, Harry...
On the subject of Harry Reid...Harry says Immigration and Climate Control are next on the agenda.  One to distract from the other, I'm guessing.  Immigration, which is TOTALLY out of hand and Climate
Control, which is totally overblown.  Both areguaranteed to cost us a BUNDLE.  I do have to ask, though...if you break the lawby coming into the country...what are we supposed to do with you?  Ignore you? Give you money to stay?  Educate you and your kids and provide health care?  Is THAT what you expect?  Why?  You broke the law.  And it seems you continue to break the law.  According to LAPD, 95% of outstanding murder warrants are for people who entered the country ILLEGALLY.  Soooo...for the sake of American citizens and citizens from other countries...MAYBE EVEN YOURS...who ARE here LEGALLY...isn't it in the best interest of EVERYBODY to make sure the LAW IS KEPT.  Nobody wants a  "let me see ze papaz" kind of police state but if I'm stopped for a traffic violation, I have to show ID...why shouldn't you?  And if MY ID is not valid, I PAY THE PRICE, TOO...why shouldn't YOU?  And I resent the notion that if I feel that way, I am aracist...that is CRAP and I'm tired of that lame old card being played.

AND CLIMATE CHANGE  REFORM? 
And Climate Change...Barack Obama HIMSELF already said, that his plan "WOULD NECESSARILY
CAUSE ELECTRIC RATES TO SKYROCKET!"  Tell me how THAT is a good idea?  Can you afford
a higher electric bill?  Double... triple?  Hmmm.

OK SOME FUN STUFF...

BRAIN STRETCHER
Once selling 47M per year, as of next March, they will not longer be made.  What are they?
See the answer below:

(From New Radio Star)
ELEPHANT COMES TO THE RESCUE OF STRANDED MOTORIST
A British zoo keeper at a safari park was frustrated after his jeep got stuck in the middles of the reserve. However, he was surprised when he was given some unusual assistance when an elephant gave him a push start!
Lawrence Bates was all set to call for assistance and couldn't believe his eyes as an 18-year-old African Elephant, named Five, ran behind the jeep and started pushing. The jeep was out of the mud in moments but the elephant didn't stop there. The elephant then sprayed a whole trunk full of water on the jeep so it looked like the animal was giving the vehicle a good wash. 
Director of Wildlife at West Midlands Safari Park, Bob Lawrence, said he's never seen anything like it in his life, saying "it was absolutely incredible."
That's watcha call a FULL SERVICE ELEPHANT...you don't find many of THOSE any more.  Wonder if he
checked his oil?
http://newslite.tv/2010/04/27/elephant-helps-give-broken-saf.html#more
Thought something tells me this was a setup...there would be a little extra elephant chow left for HIM... and a NAME CHANGE... what kind of impersonal name is FIVE? 

FINALLY!!
FINALLY...Sandra Bullock is kicking that dirtbag husband of hers tothe curb.  And she's adopted a BABY BOY...  Man,THAT was fast...how do you adopt a baby THAT fast? 

BRAIN STRETCHER ANSWER:
Sony says no more PLASTIC FLOPPY DISCS!!
Gone the way of Beta and FILM CAMERAS.

That's it.
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ANYBODY PARTICIPATE IN BOOBQUAKE?
Somebody did, I'm sure...did you feel any tremors...tectonic shifts, upheavals...no?  Me neither.  Guess that Iranian Cleric was WRONG.  Loose women cause a lot of movement but, alas no earthquakes. 

BRAIN STRETCHER
Inventors of this popular item were recently inducted into the Inventors Hall of Fame.  And their famous invention too place 30 years ago this month.  What is that popular item?  You've probably used one today.  See the answer at the end of this blog.

GREAT NEWS (NOTE THE SARCASM?)
The Deficit commission starts its hearing TODAY...you know what that means!  They're going to try to FIX they deficit that THEY created. Will they consider CUTS IN SPENDING? PROBABLY NOT.
Will they consider INCREASES IN SPENDING?  PROBABLY. 
Will they recommend a  VALUE ADDED TAX?  VERY LIKELY!  

So, in short...we're screwed. 
Smart people in England are going ,WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING!?!  Because of this very same system, that we're trying to emulate, Britons pay from 50-70% of their income in TAXES.  And what do they get?  A bloated,  yet weak government, a HUGE non-productive,  subsidized population, high unemployment and a candidate who actually suggest that the government pay for VACATIONS for the unemployed, so they can relieve stress.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
In the immortal words of Dennis the Menace, OK, BEND OVER!

MORE GREAT NEWS...
With Goldman Sachs executives being grilled right now in the Senate, the DOW is dropping like a ROCK.  Goldman is up to it's eyes in some DEEP DEEP DOO DOO and if the ALL THE REAL villains were unmasked here, THAT COULD CAUSE AN EARTHQUAKE...


OK, BAD NEWS...OIL SPILL IN THE GULF THE SIZE OF RHODE ISLAND

That does not bode well for those of us who think we should be drilling there for oil and natural gas.   It is about two days away from the shoreline of the Gulf States and who  knows what kind of damage THAT could cause.  From the explosion and sinking of the oil rig about 50 miles from LA, the remains of the rig is leaking about 42,000 gallons per day.  So, what do we do now?  We can either keep drilling and plan for that occasional FREAK ACCIDENT and come up with remedies...
Or we can just quit running our cars and heating our homes...
Or we can continue to pay countries that HATE us to sell us oil, raise the price when the want and even cut us off if they wish...
Or we can just wait for the sunshine fairy to deliver practical solar panels and carburetors that run on beer pee and cow farts.

NOAH'S ARK?  REALLY?


Turkish evangelicals and scientists claim they have found what COULD BE Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey.  It's long been speculated that SOMETHING was up there and since 1987, when some compelling pieces were found, Turkey turned the location into a national park and restricted access.  Now, with permission, the expedition has located these beams and carbon dated them to about 4800 years, which would place them about the time of the Biblical Account. 
Wasn't it gopher wood...wasn't THAT what God told Noah to use?  I think so...if they find this is GOPHER WOOD...THAT would be interesting, now wouldn't it?

YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER
That little item celebrating its 30th birthday this month is...THE POST-IT NOTE

That's it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


 

JUST ANOTHER MONDAY?
As you get going today, if it is a bit gloomy or if it's raining and you not happy because it's MONDAY, do me a favor. Think for a moment about the people walking around in brilliant sunshine today in Mississippi.

They are rummaging through what is left of their lives after a mile wide tornado tore apart their towns, their homes an their lives over the weekend.  And if you can find the time, the inclination and the reserve cash, a donation to the American Red Cross wouldn't hurt. 

MORE ON MONEY BUT FIRST, THE BRAIN STRETCHER...
Every 3 seconds around the globe one of these is opened.  What is it?  You'll have the surprising
answer below.

NOW...TO YOUR MONEY...WHAT'S LEFT OF IT...
The financial future of America could be at stake today as the SENATE debates and deliberates
a new FINANCIAL REFORM bill.  I don't think there is anyone who does NOT believe that there needs to be some reform and regulation directed at Wall and Broad in NY and other financial institutions ...
BUT...I do not trust this bunch of crooks in our US Congress to do it right.  Remember THESE are the
guys, under whose watch THIS WHOLE THING STARTED. 

And THIS GUY...Chris Dodd at the forefront of this reform bill, saying it has to be done NOW...remember
back BEFORE the whole thing financial meltdown started HE WAS THE ONE SAYING FANNY PACK
AND FREDDY BOO BOO WERE JUST FINE AND SOUND.  He's also the guy who got SWEETHEART
mortgages from Countrywide and wound up delaying any probe into the situation and it just got worse and worse but NOW it's urgent.  Come on! 
WHAT'S NEXT?
And after this the administration says it's going for GLOBAL REGULATION...

setting controls for the next forty years the "quantity and quality of profits" of financial institutions around the globe?  Excuse me?  GLOBAL CONTROLS ON PROFITS? 
WHAT ARE WE CHINA?

SINCE WE'RE IN THE VICINITY...ASIA
90,000 Okinawans protested the US Military base that's been there since WWII.  Apparently the people don't want us there... well...Ok..  Who do you think is  going to help you in case of an attack from China or N. Korea?  Hmmm...got your  Samurai swords ready.

WHAT'S THAT LASSIE...MR. SMITH IS IN THE WELL...  
Any body see the DOG... a German Shepard that led the police car to his injured master?  Check it out. 
www.foxnews.com/us/2010/04/23/hero-dog-leads-alaska-troopers-explosion-site-injured-owner/
Neither police, nor  fire and rescue could find the location of the fire on their GPS.
So, this DOG met the cop car at the nearest intersection and did a LASSIE... barking and gesturing
for the car to follow.  It did and the dog led him to the building in which the dog's HUMAN COMPANION
had been injured and was in danger of burning to death.  The dog saved his man's life.  Amazing.
GOOD DOG!! 

I HOPE THEY ALL DON'T BOUNCE UP AND DOWN...
There is some other good news...it is Boobquake day.  In response to the Iranian cleric who blamed promiscuous women, who wear revealing clothes and behave in a loose manner for causing the spate of earthquakes we've seen lately, has declared it Boobquake Day.
The woman behind the day   invites ALL WOMEN to show as much cleavage as they can and dress as revealingly as they want, in order to PROVE that this behavior DOES
NOT CAUSE THE EARTH TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY.  But it may cause a few shudders.  Now, I am not the
official spokesman for the group or the movement BUT I do want it known that this does not include the exposure PLUMBERS, CARPENTERS, MECHANICS etc, cleavage... doing so will only INCREASE the likelihood of natural disasters occurring... or at least it will cause queasiness, embarrassment or tittering... which is not to be confused with the OTHER cleavage.  So, get it?

OK...NOW FOR THE BRAIN STRETCHER ANSWER:
Every 3 seconds around the globe, a CAN OF SPAM is opened... yeah, I know SPAM... not sure what it's made of...something RESEMBLING meat... we suppose...but that's  about as close as we can get.
And just because your were THINKING IT...www.youtube.com/watch
 That's it...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

WHAT YA RECKON THAT THING IS DOING UP THERE?
The shuttle missions are coming to an end but this NEW, IMPROVED shuttle may be the ticket to Mars...or just to an asteroid.  The pre-dawn launch of the X-37B, an unmanned, robotic space plane is top secret.  NASA isn't telling what it is going to do up there...how long it's going to stay and where it will return...probably just doing it to show we got something new and keep everyone guessing...I'm guessing...or somebody's planning an escape route...I'm guessing...

SO, YOU LIKE PORN?  HOW BOUT DOIN' YOUR JOB!?!
Employees of the Securities and Exchange Commission spent more time watching humping scrumpets than they did monitoring and regulating stock and commodities exchanges, apparently.  Several employees, one in particular watched A LOT OF PORN...ALL DAY...AND THEN MADE DVD's when his hard drive overloaded...no pun intended. 

TODAY'S BRAIN STRETCHER
9000 of these are bought every year and never used.  What are they?  See the answer below:

NOW WE'RE SPENDING ON GREEN SCHOOLS?
Are you kidding me!  We are past our eyeballs in DEBT...13 TRILLION DOLLARS...and we're talking about building GREEN SCHOOLS? 
Are you that worried about going green right now?  Wouldn't you rather we go after JOBS...THE ECONOMY...BRINGING DOWN DEBT?  If I can't afford to pay my credit cards, I have to cut expenses and adjust...I can't just SPEND MORE!  Do these people not get this? 
Nancy Pelosi was roundly applauded for having GREEN LIGHTS installed in the Congressional cafeteria...at a cost of $140,000.  And she crows that it will pay for itself IN 10 YEARS.  
Wonderful.  I'm so glad you thieves are so concerned about saving money there...how about the rest of the economy?  Hmmm?

NOW HERE'S AN IDEA...BOOBQUAKE
Remember, I talked the other day about the Iranian Cleric who said that LOOSE WOMEN, SHOWING OFF THEIR GIRLS...CAUSED EARTHQUAKES...Well...Upset about the insanity of that comment, student,

Jennifer McCreight is asking women all over the world to show as much cleavage as they can on Monday, April 26th.  (Put that on your calendar!)  McCreight took to her blog and wrote, "When someone says something so ridiculous, sometimes lighthearted mockery is the best way to respond. Of course, there's a serious message too: that women should have the right to choose how they dress, and not be forced to cover up by men. . . . (YEAH!!)  I'm a scientist and a feminist, so when I read what Mr. Sedighi said, I couldn't help but respond. People need to continue pointing out how ludicrous these sorts of claims are." So far, over 43,000 women on facebook and twitter have signed the pledge to wear the most revealing outfit they have...just to make a point that boobs don't cause earthquakes. Ms. McCreight's blog, called Blag Hag, can be found here: www.blaghag.com.
http://newslite.tv/2010/04/22/boobquake-event-planned-to-pro.html#more
Bet this will get a lot of interest from the guys at the SEC!!
Take THAT, Mr. silly Cleric!
Now THERE'S something to look forward to on MONDAY!!!

ANSWER TO TODAY'S  BRAIN STRETCHER
9000 MARRIAGE LICENSES are purchased each year and never used...that's probably best...

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NEVER SEEN THE SUN LIKE THAT, HUH?

NASA has released images of the Sun that are 10 times sharper than your HD-TV.  Wow!  How ya reckon they do that?  Anyway, this is part of an intensive study of the sun to learn more about it and its affects on our planet.  There are more images and startling revelations to come.
Ya think they'll find out that the SUN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WARMING US UP...JUST A LITTLE?  Somebody get Al Gore on the phone...

EARTH DAY
Despite the new focus on the sun, it is EARTH DAY.  Be sure to get out and enjoy...and of course, recycle, and pick up your trash and don't let your cows belch or fart today...it's bad...so they say.

THIS IS BAD TOO...MORE TAXES AND A VAT!
It is becoming more apparent that all the spending our government is doing is pointing to ONE THING...HIGHER TAXES.  Remember the promises?  NOT ONE DIME!  Yeah, right.
Here's what's coming:  The new "Financial Reform Bill"  It's new, it reforms NOTHING and you'll get the bill!!
Just moved up in the batting order: Immigration Reform.  The administration will move to counteract the new law in Arizona that is TOUGH on illegal immigrants.  Funny, making being in the country ILLEGALLY, illegal seems to get some people very angry...including the government of MEXICO.  Take a look at THEIR immigration laws and the consequences...I don't think they have any room for criticism. 
Next up: CLIMATE REFORM...this may get temporarily bumped aside for immigration but it's coming.  That is where they institute the CAP AND TRADE.  Remember, that is what Barack Obama said would "NECESSARILY RAISE ENERGY COSTS DRAMATICALLY!!"  So, if that passes, look for your electric and heating bills to double or triple.
Timothy Geithner and Bill Bernanke
THEN, HERE COMES THE VAT.  That is the VALUE ADDED TAX.  Funny, doesn't seem to add much VALUE TO ME!  This adds taxes all along the production line for all products.  In Europe, the VAT is over 25% in some places.  In other words that $10 item will then become $12.50 and that $100 item will become $125...I think you get the idea.
If they would CUT SPENDING, CUT TAXES ELSEWHERE AND THEN INSTALL THE VAT...ok, MAYYYYBE...
but NOOOOOO, it's taxes upon taxes upon taxes...look out, third world here we come.

Not sure what's so funny...not many of US are laughing...

OH, YOUR EARTH DAY BRAIN STRETCHER
In Australia, this is the newest and one of the most popular pizza toppings.  Many are saying it helps the environment and the country.  What is this new topping?  See below for the answer:

GOOD NEWS...ONE NAVY SEAL ACQUITTED...TWO TO GO
Petty Officer 1st Class, Julio Huertas was cleared of all charges yesterday in a trial that never should have happened.  He and two other Navy Seals captured a real dirt bag of a terrorist.  These three HEROES captured the guy who masterminded the brutal killing and desecration of three American contractors, whose bodies were eventually hung from a bridge over the Euphrates.  If they DID rough the guy up a bit SO WHAT!?!  He deserved a LOT WORSE. 
All these scum have to do is cry TORTURE and we immediately spring into action screaming about violations of human rights and pointing blame in the wrong place.  Here's to the acquittal of the remaining two heroes. 

KIDS...DO NOT SEXT...
Check out the 5 Minute Morning Show for a story you should know about regarding YOUR KIDS AND SEXTING.  Do your kids have cell phones...with cameras?  Do you think they would take naked photos of themselves and send them to anyone?  They need to know that it IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.  Two stories that may open their eyes and yours.

WANT A JOB IN THE SUN?
Also on the 5MMS, a great job for hunky guys who may want to slather hot babes in suntan oil.  Pay, tips, hotel keys...who knows...

PEDOPHILE?  THAT'S A BIG WORD FOR A 12 YEAR-OLD
Also hear the story of the 12 year-old granted a divorce from her 80 year-old husband.  Hmm, hum...

YOUR EARTH DAY BRAIN STRETCHER
That new pizza topping?  DRIED LOCUST.  Hmmm, pile 'em on, may, I could eat a horse.  I'll stick to pepperoni, thank you...Earth Day or no...

That is it.
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FLY, DON'T FLY...
Some flying going on in Europe today.   Some reports say it couldda been going onall along.  In the US, they leave it up to the airlines.  In Europe, it's up to the government.  Two ways to look at it:  The government could have saved a lot of lives OR they could have just cost the airlines TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS NEEDLESSLY.

You wanna fly through that?  Anyway, more ash could be coming...oh joy...

HERE'S A REAL SHOCKER...
A guy from Kenya won the Boston Marathon...there's a shock, huh?  A guy from the US came
in third...even bigger shock.  That was only 'cause some Kenyan runners were stranded by the ash
plume.

TODAY'S BRAIN STRETCHER
51% of LIBRARIANS surveyed in 1992 say they would do this...what would they do?  LIBRARIANS?
See the answer below.

YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE...
BUH BYE...
A couple al Qaeda guys were gacked by US and Iraqui forces.  Abu al Masri and Abu al...dead guy.
Al Qaeda leaders in Iraq...they were reported gacked several times before but not true.  Photos
indicated this time they were really most sincerely dead.  And who was braying about it?  Joe Biden. 
This was all made possible by the SURGE that HE vehemently opposed and even joined the chorus of those saying we LOST the war in Iraq...shouldn't he say...I was wrong...or that was a big f'in deal, or something?

CELEBRITIES AND PROSTITUTES...BUT I REPEAT MYSELF...

Charley Sheen photo-ed with a "paid escort." I know what's so unusual....it's CHARLEY SHEEN, for crying
out loud...well, it's the SPIN his managers put on it. They say, the "paid escort was merely COUNSELING
the woman CHARLEY is COUNSELING.  Oh, is THAT what you celeb types are calling it these days.  And that was a THREESOME?  Counseling?  Yeah, I COUNSELED HER ALL NIGHT LONG. SHE SCREAMED
COUNSEL ME, CHARLEY, COUNSEL ME.  Maybe he's right, I know they call lawyers counselor some times and they can pretty well screw you...so...

CELEBRITY CHEATS
TMZ is reporting on a new reality show being shopped for Celebrity Cheaters.  It's to be hosted by Celebuskanks  like Michelle Bombshell McGee...the tattooed, fetish stripper (how'd you like to have to explain that one to the kids?) who was wallowing around with Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James...and one or more of Tiger Woods' mistresses.   Ya think they'll go on about how HORRIBLE those
celebrities are for messing around?  Excuse me, weren't YOU involved, too? 

GOOD MOVE...speaking Sandra and her Nazi saluting, tattoo scrumping, celebucreep husband.
Ms Bullock was seen recently without her wedding ring. So, divorce?  Ya  think?
Trust me, Sandra, YOU COULD DO BETTER!!

DIVORCE FOR THE SKELETON?
Not so fast for Larry King and Sean Southwick. They want to put it on hold for a while for the KIDS. Yeah, that old skeleton fathered some kids.  And the rumor is, he had an affair with Sean's SISTER.  EWWWW...

SO, THAT'S THE REASON FOR THE EARTHQUAKES!!
And finally...an Iranian Cleric...one of the big dudes in Clericdom said all these earthquakes that we've been having are because of promiscuous women. 
I have seen women who I thought could make the EARTH MOVE...but come on now...

ANSWER TO THE BRAIN STRETCHER...
Over half of librarians say they would POSE NEKKID FOR MONEY!

I don't seem to remember any librarians I would like to see nekkid, you?

that's it...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

EUROPE'S ALL ASHY
That volcano, whose name NOBODY can pronounce keeps belching and spewing stuff that keeps going toward Europe.  I just  KNOW they are happy about that!  Ya know, I haven't heard much from Al Gore about that...MY GUESS is that thing is causing more pollution that ALL THE CARS THAT EVER CRANKED AN ENGINE...

Anyway, the prospect is for the ash to continue for a few more weeks maybe MONTHS.  I feel for Europe but I sure hope it does not come THIS WAY. 
Latest reports say flights may resume on Tuesday...

TOO ASHY FOR A FUNERAL

The travel bans and the danger of flying into that ash cloud was the reason for President Obama not attending Polish President Lech Kaczynski's funeral.  The President, the First Lady and several other Polish dignitaries were killed in a plane crash last week in Russia.  According to the press, Poles are upset that President Obama chose not to attend the services but played golf instead...don't know what they wanted him to do but... I mean they must understand that there WERE restrictions on flights to Europe...right.
HOWEVER...you gotta admit, Obama IS a golf-playing fool... he has played 32 rounds of golf since he's been in office...that's 15-16 months...32 rounds...about a round every other week. 
Remember when people used to  get upset when Bush played golf?  Ya know how many rounds HE palyed?  24 rounds in EIGHT YEARS!

FIRST THE BRAIN STRETCHER
Women who do this earn 30% more than women who don't...and a little hint for you...it's something they wear.  Find the answer below.

ANYBODY GETTING THE MESSAGE IN DC?  ANYBODY?!?
New poll out today...only 1 in 5...about 20% of Americans have faith in out leaders in Washington, DC.   I wonder about that 20%    Don't ya think they would get the message?  Don't ya think they would start to pay attention to what average American's are saying?  Instead people like BILL CLINTON are saying that this kind of "anti-government talk" is "DANGEROUS."  Excuse me?  What is DANGEROUS is the notion that you can continue to ignore the wishes of the people, spend in order to accomplish your own goals and take the country in a direction that has historically led to nothing but decline and ruin. 

WANT AN EXAMPLE?
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi held a fundraise in Palm Beach. FLA.  According to reports, there was more security personnel than invited guests.  Naturally, those who did attend were the well-heeled and uber-rich.  Even at that, securing the event and travel, probably cost more than the money they raised.
And who paid for that? YOU AND I...American taxpayers.  Should be be expected to foot the bill for EITHER PARTY TO RAISE MONEY?   

HITCHING A RIDE TO MARS?
On the anniversary week the moon rocks hit the fan for Apollo 13, US astronauts conducted their final space walk on the current mission to the "Global Space Station."  There are only two more shuttle missions planned and that is IT!  No more blastoffs from Canaveral to the space station and no more United States dominance in outer space.  Even the first man on the moon thinks this is intergalactically stupid.  Neil Armstrong says it permanently weakens America.  After the next two shuttle missions,
American astronauts will have to BUM A RIDE from the RUSSIANS.  American astronauts will be like those losers you've run into...hey man, my car broke down, can you give me a lift to work?  No?  I'll just have to call the MOON and let it know I won't be in to work this year.
  Oh, and guess what... our buddy, Vlad Putin, will be the new
LOUIE DE PALMA of the intergalactic space taxi company. The Russians
have agreed to take US astronauts to the space station...FOR A FEE...$51 MILLION PER PERSON.

FIRST WE'RE GONNA LAND ON AN ASTEROID....WHAAAA?
Over the weekend, the White House announced that we're going to continue to go into space...we're even GOING TO MARS...but first we're going to take a little break and figure out how to land on an ASTEROID.  An asteroid...really? 
Those things are only a few hundred yards wide AT THE LARGEST.  What are we going to do once we're on there? 

OK, YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER ANSWER:

Women who wear MAKEUP earn 30% more than women who don't.

Not sure that is what the original WOMEN'S LIBBERS had in mind when the pushed for women's equality but...guess you still have to LOOK LIKE A WOMAN...

THAT'S IT...
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ONE OF THOSE DAYS YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WERE AND JUST WHAT YOU WERE DOING...
I remember as if it were yesterday.  Sitting in my office at the radio station, I heard the news report on the TV behind me.  "There has been a shooting on the campus of Virginia Tech.  At least one person is dead and another wounded."
That immediately got my attention but did not alarm me nearly as much as the next few minutes and hours.  The media rushed crews to Blacksburg.  The story unraveled, the horror increased.  Two deaths were confirmed and as I drove home the radio revealed more of the unbelievable news.  From the dorm room, across the drill field, to the upper quad the death toll mounted.  With each new report came the unspeakable details, the devastation of lives lost.  Students, professors, young women, young men...all lives gone, potential lost, dreams never set to reality. 
Today as the victims' families still cope with the emptiness, their friends morn the loss, their loved ones wonder what could have been and fellow students set about their studies and a campus heals, please take a moment to remember that day, April 16, 2007 and offer your own thoughts for the tragic loss of so much vibrancy and innocence. 
"We are better than we think but not yet, what we want to be."  Nikki Giovanni-Poet Laurette of Virginia Tech.


SEE THE VIDEO ABOVE FOR A TRIBUTE TO THE LIVES LOST...FROM THE MEMORIAL ON CAMPUS AT VIRGINIA TECH

ALSO SEE ALPHA'S SCENE, SHOT ON BLUE SCREEN FOR "TELL TALE HEART."  I KINDA LOOKS LIKE EDGAR ALAN POE MEETS THE ZOMBIES!

TODAY'S BRAIN STRETCHER
Jimmy Carter is the ONLY US PRESIDENT SINCE 1909 who has NOT done this.  What did Jimmy fail to do?  Find the answer below.

TALK ABOUT YOUR SECOND HAND SMOKE
Europe's busiest airports in London have had to cancel HUNDREDS MORE FLIGHTS...FOR A SECOND DAY because of smoke and ash coming from the volcano in Iceland.  The plume has blanketed England an Germany, in particular blocking out the sun and creating problems with visibility and navigation.  The gritty ash and particulate matter can clog up jet engines and cause them to stall.  Now, I'm no aviation expert but I do believe that a STALLED ENGINE IS NOT A GOOD THING...ESPECIALLY WHILE YOU'RE FLYING.

I am sure the UK and most of Europe is ready to tell Iceland to KISS MY ASH!!

IS ANYBODY COUNTING?
Have you kept track of the volcanoes and earthquakes that have taken place the past few weeks?  China just got rocked by a 6.8 quake, that blow hole in Iceland keeps belching...what is THE EARTH up to? 
I'm not Revelations alarmist but...

TEA PARTY, TAX REVOLT
The people were revolting...but that doesn't mean the PEOPLE WERE REVOLTING.  If you believe the media...well MOST OF THE MEDIA, the Tea Party people are backward, old, white, racist, government-hating, malcontents.  Did I leave anything out?
I got a little video footage of the party and rally held on the steps of the Georgia State Capitol in Atlanta on Thursday...you can look for yourself.  There were young and old, white and black, upper, middle and lower class (I guess...didn't really ask anyone for their W-2's) and not ONE troublemaker. 
There were a few signs that were biting but nothing inflammatory.  Nobody broke any windows,  turned over any cop cars and the only time the police had to get involved was when a protest protester got in the crowd and tried to stir up trouble.   Check it out for yourself...
President Obama has chosen to continue to chide the movement and even deride and make fun of them...I don't think that is a good decision...it makes him come off as terribly arrogant, combative and dismissive.  Not a good image, huh?

YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER
Jimmy Carter was the only US President to never THROW OUT THE FIRST PITCH FOR A BASEBALL GAME.

(Of course, if you saw Barack Obama, you could argue if THAT could be called throwing a pitch...I'm tellin' ya, he needs to stick to basketball!!)
See for yourself:  www.youtube.com/watch

That is it...have a wonderful weekend.
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GOT THOSE TAXES DONE?
This is the day you have to have all OWED-TAXES in mailed and paid for or face PENALTIES AND FINES...unless you're a CONGRESSMAN or a member of THE CABINET!!

CHECK OUT ALPHA'S 5 MINUTE MORNING SHOW FOR MORE ON:
Stupid or Scary?
Married to a skeleton
Bumming a ride
No more Russian kids...


And find out what 1/5 of American women believe no longer exists...


More tomorrow...see ya then.

LOOK AT WHAT'S GOING ON...ARE WE STUPID OR IS IT WAY PAST THAT...SCARY?
Here are a few stories and you tell me...have we gotten STUPID or have we left stupid in the dust and crossed the scary county line?

FIRST YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER
1 in 10 men do now own one of these. The answer is below:


TO NUKE OR NOT TO NUKE...STUPID OR SCARY?
This A-47...no, it's not a song on the jukebox and it's not a new weapon, it was the meeting held in Washington this week to discuss nuclear proliferation.  What did we get out of it?  Mmm, let me see...we
got a few countries like Chile and Canada to give up their enriched uranium.  I DUNNO if we KNEW Chile had it but after that big earthquake a few weeks back, they decided...we'd better get rid of this stuff...NOW. It was like the COKE BOTTLE in "The Gods Must Be Crazy."  


WHO ELSE GOT RID OF ENRICHED URANIUM?  CANADA, EH!

Canada...it's a good thing we disarmed them...I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've spent wondering what those crazy Canadians are going to do once they get a NUKE and once that world-wide beer tax goes into effect.  At least we've put that plaid wearing genie back in the bottle, donchaknow...eh? 

The whole thing seemed like what Lone Watie described.  Remember him ?The native American character, played by Dan George in "The Outlaw Josie Wales"?
He described the big meeting with the great fathers in Washington DC, where he made them promise to "endeavor to persevere...whatever that means."  He continued, "So we thought about it for a long time, ENDEAVOR TO PERSEVERE...and then we declared war on the union." 
So, everybody's promised to persevere to do something about nuclear weapons...that's about it.

STUPID AND SCARY!
A Swiss actor was inspired to start a new  business.  After watching some horror movies, he came up with the idea of being a SCARY CLOWN FOR CHILDRENS' PARTIES.

He shows up and scares the diapers off kids at their birthday parties.  Oh, but it gets  better.  He contacts them the week before, taunting them and saying he's watching...and that he'll show up at the party and hit 'em in the face with cake.  That would never work here, cause some kid would pop a cap in that clown's ass!

TEACHER MADE MY KID A CROSSDRESSER
At Maude Wilkins Elementary School, a 3rd grade teacher thought it was a good idea to celebrate
Woman's History Month...all well and good...as long as you're studying REAL HISTORY, TOO... founding
fathers, US Constitution, THAT SORT OF THING... As part of the celebration there would be a fashion showin which EVERYBODY in the CLASS was expected to DRESS AS A WOMAN.  3rd grad boys expected to dress like a GIRL.  I'll bet even the GIRLS DON'T DRESS LIKE GIRLS.  What is the purpose of THAT?
The principal said she did not get ONE PARENTAL complaint till FOX NEWS got hold of the story.  Really?
NEW JERSEY PARENTS don't mind if their little boy goes to school dressed as TWIGGY, OR MADONNA
or CHER?  REALLY?  Scary or stupid?  You make the call...

ANSWER TO THE BRAIN STRETCHER
One in 10 men does NOT own a PAIR OF JEANS.

Bet they get manicures and pedicures, too...

That's it.
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A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY?

HEY! NO REACH-AROUNDS!  Barack Obama greets Brazil's Lula de Silva.  I think his first name is HEY BOP A, but I'm not sure about that. 
Anyway, he gets a HUG. 

ANGELA GETS A KISS...NO TOUNGES!!



ALL CHINESE PRESIDENT HU GOT WAS A BOW....NATURALLY...


AND CANADA'S PRESIDENT STEPHEN HARPER  GETS THE FINGER!!

DID HE FORGET TO BRING THE MOOSHEAD AGAIN?
And with THAT the Summit comes to an end.


AND NOW BRAIN STRETCHER
25% of women say they would give up SEX for this.  What do they value more than sex?  The answer is below but first THIS...

A LETTER TO JESSE JAMES

You Stupid Ba***rd!  You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid?  You are married to one of the most beautiful women in
the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed
only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.
 
But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named " America 's
Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per
picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just
happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.
 
You are really a piece of work!  You are the most hated jerk, cheater on the planet!  And
while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your
wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra speech
during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you.  How can you live with yourself
after she even cared for your children?
 
I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:
 
Thank You!!  You really helped to take the heat off of me.  Lets do lunch sometime and
Compare notes.
 
~Tiger Woods
 
 

BRAIN STRETCHER ANSWER:
25% of women say they would give up SEX for this.  What do they value more than sex?

ANSWER: a BMW
That must be one heckuva car or they not doing SOMETHING right.

ARE WE STRONG OR ARE WE WEAK?
Well, now hold on there...What do most Americans think?  A poll yesterday says 74% believe the country is weaker than we were 10 years ago.  And before you say that is just partisan politics...hold on there...61% of Democrats say we're weaker.  87% of Republicans and 78% of independents.  Plus 57% of us
think the next generation will be worse off than we are now.  Them's pretty big numbers...

                                           ANNIVERSARY OF APOLLO 13
Did ya see "Dateline" last night?  Matt Lauher interviewed the surviving astronauts from Apollo 13...that mission was even more dangerous and tenuous than the movie depicted.  Amazing that they were able to survive. 
Somebody SHOULD HAVE HAD A CLUE...THE MISSION WAS APOLLO THIRTEEN! It launched at 13:13 MILITARY TIME and all the stardust hit the fan on April THIRTEENTH...HELLO!!

EVEN THEN A MOON MISSION WAS OLD HAT...SOON THERE WON'T EVEN BE A HAT!
Pretty soon you'll see astronauts with signs saying "Will  walk on MOON for food."  We're shutting down the shuttle program.  Now we'll have to depend on THE RUSSIANS or maybe even INDIA to get us up to the space station.  Suppose the Russians decide to start ARMING the thing.. for their OWN PURPOSES, OF COURSE...there's nothing we can do about it.  We won't be able to get up there to do ANYTHING. 
This, the latest nuke treaty with Russia, the latest nuke strategy by this White House...anybody feeling any safer?

YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 15 YEARS...THIS is getting smaller...what is it?  See the answer below.

SEE KELLY'S STAGE DEBUT


SAD NEWS ABOUT DIXIE CARTER

Dixie Carter (left) played many wonderful roles but she is best remembered for playing Julia Sugarbaker in "Designing Women."  She passed away in Los Angeles over the weekend of undisclosed causes.   She's survived by her actor, husband, Hal Holbrook.  She will be missed.

BUDGET?  WHAT BUDGET?
BOOOWAAAHAHAHAHAAH! WE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' BUDGET! BOOOWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The Majority in both Houses has decided to bypass the traditional April 15 date to present a budget for the next fiscal year.  THIS YEAR, they're just going to wait...and MAY NOT have one ready till...get this...AFTER THE NOVEMBER ELECTIONS!  Wow! HOW...COWARDLY!  They know that the numbers will be astronomical in order to fit in all the ENTITLEMENTS, BAILOUTS, BUYOUTS, SELLOUTS AND PIG OUTS.  They, apparently are thinking that if they ignore it, WE won't notice and they can sneak it by at a  time that won't hurt their chances of REELECTION!!
Any wonder Americans don't feel good about the future for the next generation? 

YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER ANSWER
For the first time in 15 years, THE AVERAGE SIZE OF HOMES IS GETTING SMALLER.

Guess we don't need all that room and all that stuff, after all...or maybe we JUST CAN'T AFFORD IT.

That's it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

DUCK!  ASTEROID! DID YA SEE IT?
NASA says a hunka hunka flying rock passed by Earth last night and it was a close call...well...close in astronomical terms.  That big fat asteroid was 71 feet across and passed a mere 220,000 miles away from this third rock from the sun.  Dodged another one...

SPEAKING OF HUNKS....

According to the North Korean press, this man Kim Jong Il, is the fashion plate of the world.  Newspapers and TV reports there say he has set off a fashion frenzy and everybody in the ENTIRE SHIPPING WORLD want's to look like Kim...er...Jong...er...Il...whatever.  Yeah, I know I just got my whole wardrobe redone in JONG-WEAR.  Just wish I could get my HAIR to do that...
 
I'LL LET YOU DIGEST THAT THOUGHT WHILE WE STRETCH YOUR BRAIN
If you're an AVERAGE AMERICAN and let's assume for the sake of argument YOU ARE.  You'll spend 70 hours per year doing this.  What are you doing?  See the answer at the bottom of  today's blog.

NOW BACK TO BUSINESS...SO, THIS WAS JUST SOME FUNNY JOKE?  HA HA?
A guy from Qatar, who put the DIP in diplomat just went into the airplane lavatory to SMOKE...and then made a joke about "lighting my shoes," thinks that is a big joke.  I'm guessing the comics from Qatar aren't very good, if that's the case.  He caused a bit of a panic on the plane, caused air marshals to spring into action and forced US fighter jets to scramble.  THAT COSTS A FEW THOUSAND BUCKS, DON'T YA KNOW. 
Here's the DIP in question:===>  
His name is Mohammed Al Madadi and apparently he has a nicotine monkey on his back.
Meanwhile, the HEAD DIPS at the Qatari Embassy said he was just making a joke...and since he's a DIP-lo-mat...there's nothing we can do about it.   DIP-LO-MATIC IMMUNITY. 
This is an agreement between countries consular offices that is designed to protect emissaries from arbitrary arrest or custody.  BUT...these jerks use it to cost AMERICAN TAXPAYERS MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.  In PARKING TICKETS ALONE New York City loses millions from UN staffers who feel they can park anywhere they want, any time they want. 
AND...this DIP was going to Denver to visit AN AL QAEDA, JIHADI, TERRORIST...guy...imprisoned in Colorado.  Now WHAT was he visiting THAT guy for and what was this incident REALLY all about? 
It just seems a bit too fishy to me...

TIGER'S DADDY...FROM THE GRAVE?

abcnews.go.com/Business/tiger-woods-ad-ripped-audio-2004-documentary/story
Watch it for yourself.  I don't have a problem with it but a lot of people do.  It's been labeled everything from creepy to sick.  It's a Nike spot, with just Tiger looking at the camera and his DAD'S VOICE saying things that make you wonder.  When was it recorded?  What was the context of THAT recording?  And does it REALLY reflect Tiger's remorse? 
Even with planes buzzing around pulling signs like this, Tiger still had a good day...golf-wise.

  He shot a 68 first round at The Masters...the best round he's ever shot there...that four under keeps him in the hunt, just two stroke off the leader, FREDDIE COUPLES?  REALLY?  And TOM WATSON IS 5 UNDER...WHOA!  Anyway, if you were rooting for Tiger to really screw up...maybe you should direct your energy to something more positive...like getting Jon and Kate back together... 
Oh, the Ohio advertising company that hired the plane and the signs won't say who commissioned them but they did say there will be more...and according to the company..."they'll get better."  Ooookay.

YEAH, I GOT YER DEADLY GAS, RIGHT HERE!!
A British study says COWS ARE NOT CAUSING GLOBAL WARMING!
At least in THIS study from China.  The grass upon which the cows fed actually REDUCED the amount of nitrous oxide and did not increase methane.  Atta girl, Bossie, flip 'em the hoof.

BRAIN STRETCHER
As an AVERAGE AMERICAN, you'll spend 70 hours a year dealing with JUNK MAIL! 
What's more...
More than 100 million trees are destroyed each year to create junk mail.

The world's temperate forests absorb 2 billion tons of carbon annually to help keep the planet cool and healthy.

Junk mail produces more greenhouse gas emissions than 9 million cars.

Why don't the GREENIES go after JUNK MAIL, instead of COWS AND CARS, HUH?

That's it...later.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TIGER...PUT DOWN THE PHONE AND WALK AWAY...

You'd THINK a guy who got into so much trouble for TEXTING would be CAREFUL about being seen TEXTING...woudn't you?  I know I WOULD!!

DON'T HURT THEIR FEELINGS
The White House has issued an order that for future terror references, we cannot refer to ISLAMIC RADICAL AS ISLAMIC RADICALS any more.  They can't even be mentioned when we're talking about a no-fly list or a terror watch list.  The suggestion is, if we're nicer to them...maybe they'll be nicer to US.  Excuse me while I cough and gag derisively!
Not sure what we're supposed to call 'em but you can bet it'll be something innocuous that won't even begin to identify what they are.  AND it won't change the notion of any ISLAMIC RADICAL from trying to blow us up IF THEY WANT TO...and this won't make them WANT TO any less!
You can refer to a LOOTER as a NON-TRADITIONAL SHOPPER, if you want to.  They're STILL thieves, and if all you're doing is making them feel better about themselves, they're likely TO KEEP ON LOOTING!! Or shopping non-traditionally. 
See that skunk...DON'T CALL IT A SKUNK...that is a TWO-TONE MALODOROUS DISPENSER.
If I call it that will it still spray me?
Yeah, probably.
Will his self esteem be improved?
Immeasurably!
Oh, good, then bring on the TOMATO JUICE!

SO, HE'S NOT CALLED THE "HEAD" OF STATE FOR NUTHIN!

So, the President of Afghanistan is upset at US because we're trying to disrupt the OPIUM TRADE in his country.  He accused the US of "meddling in Afghan affairs."  WHAT?  We're IN A WAR IN YOUR COUNTRY TRYING TO SAVE YOUR SORRY A** FROM THE TALIBAN!  At YOUR INVITATION, I might add. I'd say that IS WAY BEYOND MEDDLING.
But now, apparently we've gone to PREACHING and it's not his kind of sermon.  Story is now he's a big fan of those drugs we're tying to ban...so THAT explains a lot.
See...we should have known...in the photo above, he's explaining the PUFF-PUFF-PASS rule.

YOUR BRAIN STRETCHER...
If Bret FAVVVRAH...or Bret Farve decides to play for the Vikings this year, he'll set a record at 40 for being the ONLY PLAYER IN THE NFL WITH THIS DISTINCTION.  WHAT IS THAT?  See the answer below.


WE'RE THROUGH...YOU GONNA TWITTER IT OR AM I?  OK, WE'LL BOTH DO IT. JIM CAREY AND JENNY MCCARTHY SPLIT AND ANNOUNCE IT ON TWITTER!
Wow.   It must have been a very emotional moment...he said sarcastically...for them to say on Twitter, "We've decided to go our separate ways...and wish each other well in the future."  Was that less than 140 characters?  I hope so.
TOP TWITTER CITIES
1. Los Angeles, CA...IMAGINE THAT...
 2. New York, NY
 3. San Francisco, CA
 4. Washington, DC
 5. Hollywood, Florida
 6. Chicago, Ill
 7. Atlanta, GA
 8. Las Vegas, NV
 9. Seattle, WA
10. Austin, TX

THE NEXT SUSAN BOYLE?
Mmmm, could be... See for yourself at: www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2923083/Next-SuBo-on-Taiwan-show.html#ixzz0kP2WBL3V

BRAIN STRETCHER ANSWER:
Brett FAVVVVRAH would be the first active NFL GRANDFATHER. 
Favre's daughter Brittany, recently gave birth to his first grandson named, Parker Brett, on Friday, April 2nd.

LATER.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

STARTING FROM THE END...PROPS TO DUKE AND TO BUTLER

The Duke Blue Devils...the New York Yankees of college basketball won the NCAA Tournament lat night in one of the all time great games.  Contested till the very end by upstart Butler Bulldogs.  The Dogs, the smallest college to play for the championship since the tournament expanded in 1985 made one heck of a show.  And don't think you didn't win the respect of Coach K, the players and the fans who watched.  There were throngs of ANYBODY BUT DUKE" fans who became Butler converts last night and for that you need to be forever proud.  I know it is cliche to say, you're sill a winner but...YOU'RE STILL A WINNER.  Oh, and look for your coach to become a HOT PROPERTY. 
How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen Paris...and how you gonna keep HIM in in the Horizon Conference, once he's been that close to the NATIONAL TITLE?

BEFORE WE GET BACK TO THE TOP, A BRAIN STRETCH...
2 in 5 American men will do this within the first 6 years of being married.  What will they do?
And don't be swayed by the next topic...you'll find the answer below.

TIGER IS SET TO PLAY AROUND...

NOOOOOO! NOT AROUND... "A" ROUND...AT THE MASTERS...THAT IS...

With a phalanx (I love that word) of security, Tiger Woods is getting back to swinging...the GOLF CLUB.  Some estimates are as many as 90 security personnel are accompanying Tiger as he takes on the practice rounds at Augusta National in preparation for The Masters.  Though the dozens of bodyguards are present, only 8 or so will be with him at all times.  (Gee, I hope they throttle the first guy on the tee box who yells, "GET IN THE HOLE!")
At a press conference yesterday, the recovering skankaholic contritely stated his position, apologized to everyone whom he thought deserved one and answered pretty much every question posed to him by the media, anxious for details.
He said he was surprised and pleased at the amount of support he found from the galleries at the rounds, many offering words of welcome back and positive support.
(I can only GUESS that it wasn't the "OH, TIGER...YES, YES, YES...he's used to...)
I do admit, I found it a bit amusing...a headline I read last week.  "Couples to Play with Tiger."  Oh, wait...they were referring to FREDDY COUPLES...see my amusement? 

TOYOTA'S GONNA PAY 16 MILLLLL-YUN DOLLARS!!
The Federal Government may levy a fine against Toyota Motors for the most recent debacle with defective gas pedal, unwanted engine revving, electronic malfunctions and the apparent attempts of the company to cover it all up.  Do you get the weirdness of this?  Not that Toyota appears to be culpable in all this but that the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF THE US is going to fine them?  The FEDERAL GOVERNMENT...the OWNER OF GENERAL MOTORS?  See?  How backward is it that a company can levy a FINE against another company...A COMPETITOR...AND GET AWAY WITH IT!?! 
OH, what a feeling!!

WHAT IS BARACK OBAMA THINKING?
 
HIS ANSWER BOMBS, HIS PITCH BOMBS BUT THE US WON'T?  
Check that out in Alpha's 5 Minute Morning Show by clicking above. Or here: www.youtube.com/watch

NOW THAT BRAIN STRETCHER
40% of married men have done this within the first 6 years of marriage...

LOST  THEIR WEDDING RINGS!
And of course, the natural question is WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH IT OFF?  That is the natural question IF YOU'RE A WOMAN!!

AND JUST FOR FUN...
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE LEFT OVER PEEPS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yoW3CxuKeU
Tasty recipes to use all those leftover Peeps

Later.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

THINK TANK
1 in 5 Americans say they have actually DONE THIS in the BATHROOM at someone else's house.  What have they done?  Answer at the end of this blog.

LIARS...HAMID KARZAI...

thought he was our bud?  Ah...not so much.  He's gone on a couple of anit-American rants the past week, threatening to join with the Taliban.  Hmm, since your brother is a HUGE supplier of opium, whose profits filter back to the Taliban...seems to me like you're ALREADY on that side. 

With such wonderful, dedicated friends like Karzai, and THESE TWO...Putin, Chavez...WHO NEEDS ENEMAS...OR ENEMIES? 
Hugo wants nukes now.  I guess he saw how harsh we were with the Iranians...

TIGERS

Masters gets under way this week and SOMEBODY might even be talking about GOLF.  Tiger Woods has pulled up his pants and is returning to the golf course.  He's got a press conference today.
Ya think he'll get any questions about his escapades? 
(Check out my Five Minute Morning Show for a bit more bout Tiger in Augusta.)

THE BORE...AND THE BOORS...
YOU'LL HEAR A LOT TODAY ABOUT OBAMA'S ANSWER TO A SIMPLE QUESTION:

HOW CAN WE AFFORD THE NEW HEALTH CARE TAXES WHEN WE'RE OVER-
TAXES ALREADY...TOOK HIM 17 MINUTES TO RAMBLE ABOUT WITHOUT REALLY
GIVING AN ANSWER...AT ABOUT 16 1/2 HE SAID, I HOPE THAT ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION
Ahhh...no but I forgot the question about 14 minutes ago...mission accomplished...

CELEBS IN THE NEWS TODAY...
Cory Haim...you remember passed away a few weeks ago...and his BFF, Cory Feldman was devastated...so devastated that he couldn't make it to his funeral...well...he COULD have made it but there was a party at the Playboy Mansion...I am sure he found someone there to comfort him in his  time of sorrow.

OUT?  ALREADY?

Jesse James...wow...it's a miracle.  He went into rehab for whatever problem he thought he had that made him cheat on his wife with...ah...well...er...ah...OTHER WOMEN...on March 26 and he's OUT... he's home... HEALED... apparently.   It's the fastest recovery since VIKKI LOCKE... sorry, inside joke. 
He's not back with Sandra, just yet...bunking with a friend.  Less than regal setting for the Crown Prince of Skankdom...

THE ANSWER:
1 in 5 Americans have done this in the bathroom of someone else's house...
CHANGED THE TOILET PAPER FROM OVER TO UNDER.

Can you say...OCD?

That's it.
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HOLY WEEK...HOLY HELL...FOR SOME...
The Catholic Church and the New York Times are feuding.  The Times accuses Pope Benedict of covering up child abuse among the ranks of priests in the Church.  The Vatican is accusing the paper of unfounded attacks.  One recognized EXORCIST says it's the DEVIL at work for the Times. 
Hmm... could be.  I've read some articles the Times and thought the same thing. 

BRAIN DRAIN?
75% of moms say this is much easier with a GIRL.  What is so much easier to do with a girl than a boy? Answer at the bottom of today's blog.

DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL AND WHAT A LOVELY COUPLE, HUH?

This is the woman identified as the "Black Widow Bomber."  She is one of the two TEENAGE, female suicide/homicide  bombers in Moscow earlier this week.  The guy, is...I suppose...her boyfriend.  Isn't it sweet?  Some young couples dream of GROWING UP together...this pair, obviously, dreamed of BLOWING up together.  Or maybe not...I guess he's still kickin' it.  And all in the name of God?  REALLY?

HEY, VLAD, I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA BE FRIENDS...
Also earlier this week, Barack Obama signed an agreement with Russia to reduce our nuclear arms.  The olive branch was also intended to create a closer relationship with the former Soviet Republic, to help each other in our struggle for world peace...CHEAH!
Here's our GOOD PAL VLAD poncing about with another "GOOD FRIEND" Hugo Chavez!

Look at Vlad...is he walking in a ditch?  I knew he was a shorty but...I mean, I don't think Chavez is that tall...
Anyway, this does not give me any confidence that this new "AGREEMENT" with Russia will do us a great deal of good...maybe it's just me.

CONGRESSMAN...ARE YOU SERIOUS?  I MEAN...REALLY?
When Georgia got rid of Cynthia McKinney, we thought there would be an improvement...this makes me wonder...
Congressman, Hank Johnson...elected to replace McKinney was in a hearing of the Armed Services Committee.   While questioning an admiral about beefing up the US presence on Guam, asked if the admiral was afraid that GUAM might TIP OVER AND CAPSIZE! NOT KIDDING!!
What does he believe...that the island is a piece of FLOATING CORK? 
Thank you, Congressman for one again providing ANOTHER embarrassment to the State of Georgia.
By the way...here's the video, if you wanna see it...
www.youtube.com/watch

SOME REAL SCRUPLES IN HOLLYWOOD...LAND OF THE SCOUNDRELS?

His name is Neal McDonough.  You've probably seen him on the screen...big and small.  But you've NEVER seen him in a SEX SCENE.  He won't do 'em.  He's refused scenes with Nicolette Sheridan in "Desperate Housewives" and recently lost a starring role and probably a MILLION DOLLARS in salary for the TV series, "Scoundrels" because the man has PRINCIPLES.  PRINC-I-PLES...You Hollywood types can look it up. Neal says he's a Christian, a good Catholic and is HAPPILY MARRIED.  WOW!! How refreshing...and from HOLLYWOOD, too!
Tiger Woods is saying...wait a minute...if I were an actor, they would PAY ME? 

ANSWER TO TODAY'S BRAIN DRAIN
It's easier to NAME a girl.  Apparently, coming up with a BOYS name is lots more difficult.  Yeah, ask the ZAPPA FAMILY...I'm sure MOON UNIT was a piece of cake but coming up with DWEEZIL...whew, that must have taken HOURS.

THAT'S IT...HAPPY EASTER.

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TODAY'S HEADLINES AND THOUGHTS...
FLOODS IN NEW ENGLAND...
Whenever I feel sorry for myself or feel the world is just a little unfair, I remind myself of what the people in New England are going through right now.  Some of those people have lost their homes, their businesses and some cases their loved ones and yet, they persevere.  The spirit of the American people can never be underestimated.  Our hearts go out to them. 

MORE TO COME...BUT FIRST...READY BRAIN?
Habits change with age.  Nearly half of 16-34 year-olds say they do it FREQUENTLY.  However 82% of those OVER 55, say they NEVER do it?  What are they NOT doing?
See the answer at the end of today's blog:

NOW BACK TO THE HEADLINES...
HARD TO CELEBRATE HOLY WEEK AND EASTER

Just a couple of days from Easter Sunday and the Vatican is attacking the New York Times for publishing stories of Pope Benedict and his connection to past cases of child molestation in the Catholic Church.  Now, a letter has surfaced that would seem to indicate that, as Cardinal, maybe he DID not only KNOW ABOUT IT, he hushed it up and failed to remove or punish the priests who committed the crimes.
At a time when faith should be STRENGTHENED, events like these certainly test it.

VLAD DON'T PLAY DAT!...SEE...I AM STRONG LIKE RUSSIAN OX...

After a SECOND bombing in Russia, Chechen Rebels have claimed responsibility for the terrorist acts and vowed more. Meanwhile VLADAMIR PUTIN, Prime Minister...more like CZAR of Russia...I mean, come on, the President is Medvedyev, but Vlad calls the shots...has promised to "SCRAPE THE BOMBERS FROM INSIDE THE SEWERS!" 
I think he means it...Vlad was the head of the KGB before the fall of the USSR.  He knows a thing or two about CRUSHING dissent and punishing dissenters.  He'll likely deal with them in the same ruthless manner in which they attacked innocent people...without worrying about OFFENDING anyone or violating their rights.  Gotta respect the intent.
Hmm, you think he'll MIRANDIZE 'EM?  Doubt it.

OFFSHORE DRILLING?  REALLY?  IT'S NOT AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE?

Well, it MAY be.  See President Obama was so ADAMANT about maintaining offshore drilling restrictions and bans as a candidate, it's hard to fathom he's making such an about face like this. Oddly the plan to open some areas to drilling for oil is met with opposition from BOTH SIDES.  Some Republicans-the Drill Now crowd-says it does not go far enough.  It leaves out the entire west coast of California-which would bring THAT state out of near bankruptcy, and limits some oil-rich areas in the Gulf of Mexico...where the Chinese and Russians are ALREADY DRILLING!!
Critics on the LEFT...those who supported Obama's election campaign, say it GOES WAY TOO FAR!  They are disappointed that the President has turned his back on environmental promises on which he campaigned.

BEING A (ALLEGED) SKANK HO PAYS OFF AGAIN

Reports are that Tiger Woods' (ALLEGED) main skank will now be a very wealthy skank.  Unconfirmed reports from TMZ say Rachel Uchitel has agreed to a $10 MILLION payoff to KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT.  (Something I'm SURE she did not do when she was WITH Tiger)  The agreement, according to sources is "iron clad" and keeps her from spilling any further details about their relationship.
Makes one wonder how one goes about getting in the skankin' business...it seems to pay pretty well.

IT WASN'T MY FAULT...IT WAS THAT MAN, HONEY...I SWEAR!!

An attorney, close to Tiger says MICHAEL JORDAN is to blame for Tiger's shooting a few holes off the course.  According to John Merchand, a friend of Tiger's, he warned the golfer about Jordan, whom he referred to as a SOB...and worse. 
Hmm, ya think Elin will buy that?  Doubt it.
 
ANSWER TO TODAY'S BRAIN DRAIN...
Over 55...82% say they NEVER...show up LATE!

Sure, what ELSE do they have to do...most of 'em show up an hour EARLY!!

That' it...later.
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